You're Pretty When I'm Drunk

I recently watched the movie Shallow Hal again. You may be wondering, why would I do that to myself? I have no fucking idea. Boredom, I guess. I first saw it several years ago and I remember it really sucking back then. But for some reason, I figured I'd give it another chance now that I'm older and wiser.

Big mistake. It sucked even harder this time around. If you've never watched it, then consider yourself lucky. It's that fucking horrible.

The premise of the movie is that this guy name Hal gets stuck in an elevator with Tony Robbins, the self-help guru. I'm actually a fan of Tony Robbins, by the way. In fact, he's the reason I wanted to see this movie the first time. But I digress.

While they're trapped together, Tony decides to "mentally reprogram" Hal into seeing only the inner beauty in women. Because prior to this, we were shown several cartoonish examples of how superficial Hal was when it came to appearances.

Title: i'm so tired

Once they finally exit the elevator, Hal is unaware that thanks to Tony, he now has this ridiculous ability to only see the inner beauty of women. He's completely incapable of seeing what a woman actually looks like on the outside. But wait, it gets even dumber..

Soon enough, Hal is back to his desperate, man-whoring ways, hitting on women whom he now thinks are attractive but are in fact hideous beasts. Because as this movie would have you believe, only ugly, fat girls have inner beauty. And all attractive women have no souls.

Hal's friends witness his behavior and are confused and concerned by his newfound interest in fugly women. They just don't understand it.

Well, I don't blame them because I don't fucking understand it either. This movie makes absolutely no logical sense. Yeah, I get that it's just a stupid Hollywood movie, but the unbelievable gaps in logic are just plain insulting to the viewer.

For instance, how are we to believe that Hal is able to see the inner beauty of a woman if he's never talked to her or knows nothing about her? I mean, isn't that sort of necessary? It's absurd that he's able to walk down the street and instantly be able to see the inner beauty of each woman he passes.

Not only that, how exactly is Hal able to touch and even fuck some of these women without ever noticing how fat they are? Wouldn't their rolls and enormous bodies give him a clue that something doesn't add up? Apparently not. Hal is the most oblivious man in the entire world.

Who wrote this pile of shit? It's like the writers just didn't give a fuck if anything made sense or not, those lazy bastards.

They should've called this movie Drunken Hal instead, and had him find a pair of beer goggles laying on the sidewalk. The rest would write itself. That would've been so much better. Because we can all relate to the idea of beer goggles.. it's a real phenomenon, you know.

I've learned from personal experience that the more I drink, the more attractive women seem.. and that's definitely not a good thing. Friends don't let friends wear beer goggles.

Hal should've gone back and kicked Tony's ass for making him fuck fat chicks.

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